Chapter 4

“Spike And The Great War”

Part One

Imagine, if you will, what it would be like to be born directly into adulthood, possessing a lifetime’s worth of knowledge and wisdom, gained instantly, not gradually as a normal child would…….

                                                                        ……just imagine

Uranus 1994

…..There was only darkness……                               

……and then……..

“BOIIINNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

Spike opened his eyes!

“Wus Happenin’!  Ooph Yaat!!!

“Hey Mama, who are you?”

“And why am I naked and all wet?”

A figure approached…..

“Just relax, fella, my name is ON-T, I am your nurse.”                 

Spike couldn’t take his eyes off of her.  She was “hot”, but… she was an onion!  “Are you really an onion, or did I really tie one on last night?” asked Spike.  “You don’t have a last night fella, and of course I’m an onion.  We all are..here on Uranus,” said ON-T.

ON-T told Spike how he’d been created here on Uranus.  She told him his mission was to join his brothers on Earth and form the greatest superband of all time.  To help destroy an “Evil Empire” which had come to power there, and to pick up broads.

“Kick ass!” said Spike. “What instrument do I play?”

“Well…I’ve said too much.  You’ll find out all you need to know at “The Gathering”, said ON-T.

“What’s The Gathering”, asked Spike.

“It’s where you’ll meet the royal family,” explained ON-T.  “They’ve waited a long time for you.  The whole kingdom is very excited.”

“Cool!” said Spike.

“Say, you never told me why I’m naked and all wet?”                             

“I had just finished giving you a sponge bath when you came to.  I must bathe you every half hour until your skin can adapt to our atmosphere,” said ON-T. 

“Do you really have to bathe me every half h….”

“Zip it fella,” scolded ON-T.  “I call the shots here!” Then she smiled.  “Time for another sponge bath.”

BOIIINNNGGG!!!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In the days leading up to The Gathering ON-T switched from sponge baths to full body oil massages.  In between she took Spike on tours of the countryside.  It was a rich land with endless fields of vegetation.  The “Onionites” as they were called were great farmers.  They were also advanced in medicine.  An Onionite never caught a cold.

“THE GATHERING”

The royal palace was a beehive of activity on this day.  It was like King Richards Faire with onions.

“Well, time to go fella,” said ON-T as she finished a hot oil application.  “I’ve laid out your clothes Spike.  We had the shirt specially made to Antoine’s specifications.” she said.  “Damndest thing I’ve ever seen!”

“I like it,” said Spike, “Oophyaat!”  “Say ON-T, I just want you to know I’m really grateful for all you’ve done for me, and you really are one “hot” onion.”

ON-T smiled, “You’re pretty “hot” yourself fella,” she said kissing Spike on the cheek.

“Let’s go”…..

BOIIINNNGGG!!!

ON-T escorted Spike along the red carpet to the palace.  The way was jammed with spectators.  Everyone wanted a glimpse of Spike.  Young Onionite girls were heard to giggle and whisper “He’s cute!!”

The fashion analysts stood dumbstruck, in awe of Spike’s shirt!  Children threw flowers at his feet as he passed.

Spike waved and offered words of wisdom to the Onionites.

“Wassup Babe!”  “Hey toots!”  “Ooph Yaat!”

Now they had reached the palace gate.  A security force of Cocktail Onions surrounded the outer wall.  They all wore bright blue “Event Security” t-shirts.  Spike would reflect years later…  “We sure could’ve used these guys at Canton.”

The gates swung open and a tall handsome Onion approached.  “Welcome Spike, I am the Duke of Vidalia.  The King and Queen await.” 

“I can’t go in with you Spike,” said ON-T, “just a Civil Servant you know.  Meet ya back at the clinic for your Vaseline Intensive Care treatment later.  Good luck fella!”

The throne room was magnificent.  The walls were lined with works of art by the great “Onion” masters.  “Bermudangelo”,  “Eduard Leek” , and the “Great Garlico”  reknowned for his spectacular fruit bowls on black velvet! 

“Your majesties, may I present Spike”, said the Duke. 

“Spike this is King Patrick and Queen Maureen of Uranus!”

“Spike curtsied, “Wus happenin’ dudes?”

“How Arrrrre ya doon Spike!” said the King. 

“Hey they’re Irish Onions,” thought Spike to himself.  “Ain’t he cute!” said the Queen.

The king gave Spike a rundown of current events.  He explained how Antoine had returned to Uranus needing a big favor.  He told of the Planet’s vast supply of Kleptonium, and how he had been “grown” in ON-T’s lab. 

“Kick ass!!” said Spike. 

“Unfortunately”, said the Queen , “We have no music here so we couldn’t teach you to play an instrument.” 

“I’ll just figure it out as I go along.” said Spike.

“And remember Spike, you can never become involved with an Onionite Lassie.  It is forbidden!” said the King. 

“No problemo”, said Spike.

“We’re building a spaceship to take you to earth,” said the Queen.  “It should be ready in a couple of weeks!” 

“OK Mama!” said Spike.

Suddenly a curtain at the side of the room parted… “AAARRRRRRR….” said the King.  “May I present me daughter, Princess Brandy”.

“BOIIINNNGGG!

Then the strangest thing happened…it was a though Spike had blown a fuse or something. 

“OophYaat! OophYaat! OophYaat!”  “Danger Will Robinson Danger!”  “Oophyaat! Oophyaat! Oophyaat!”

Spike fell to the floor and began to spin in circles, his feet pedaling fiercely, in a classic “Curly” maneuver.  Then he leapt to his feet, placing his right hand on top of his head.  His fingers splayed skyward waving rapidly, like some primordial rooster. 

Princess Brandy blushed.  Finally Spike calmed down.  “Whew…uh sorry…. you are one major Oopher Mama.” 

“Look at the bulbs”, Spike thought to himself.

The Princess came forward taking Spike’s hand.  “My friends call me Ginger.” she said. 

“AAARRRRR…., that’s enough of that,” said the King.  “You’ve had your chance to meet ‘im, now off you go.” 

Princess Brandy left the room giving Spike a wink on here way out.  

….The Duke of Vidalia scowled!

A message arrived at the clinic informing Spike that his ship was ready, and that he’d be leaving tomorrow.  A big farewell ceremony had been planned.

Spike felt sad knowing he’d soon have to say goodbye to his Onion friends.  He was taking one last walk through the countryside when he heard a whisper from the bushes nearby…  

“Spike…psst…Spike…”  Princess Brandy emerged.

BOIIINNNGGG!!

“This Onion is totally hot,” thought Spike.  “I understand you’re leaving tomorrow,” said the Princess as tears welled up in her eyes.  “Please take me with you,” she cried. “I know I’ve been promised to the Duke of Vidalia, but I don’t love him.  I love you, Spike.” 

“Ooph Whaaat!?!? 

“Yes,” she said, “we’re to be married next year, as soon as I turn 14.” 

“Ooph Whaaat!?!?

She threw her arms around Spike, kissing him on the lips. 

“Whoa, easy mama,”” said Spike.  “Look I understand how you feel toots, but I’m heading for Earth tomorrow and I can’t take you with me.  I’ll be Rockin’ and Rollin’ with my Bras, picking up broads and stuff.”   

“You know there can never be anything between us.  It’s forbidden.  Please go home will ya kid.” 

Princess Brandy ran off crying, “I love you, Spike!!!” 

“Guess I’ll have to get used to this,” though Spike.

Unbeknownst to either of them the Duke had been watching through high powered binoculars from the palace tower.  He was awash with hatred….hatred for Spike!!!

(Klank, Clunk)….

The day of Spike’s departure was a bright and sunny one.  All the Onionites turned out to say goodbye.  

(Klunk, Klank)

Spike stood on a platform next to his spaceship.  He had prepared a little farewell speech. 

(Clank, Klunk)

“Spike, Spike, Spike,” they shouted. 

Spike raised his hand to quiet the crowd.

“My friends I just want to…

(Klunk, Clank)

Spike looked around…

“What the hell is that noise?” wondered Spike.

Suddenly…..

The skies went “brown.”

SPIKE AND THE GREAT WAR

PART 2

They were a race unlike any other, traveling across the universe, destroying everything in their path.

They were the “Moo-Mongers,” a tribe of vicious intergalactic killer cows, 50 million strong. Led by the great “emperor bull” they showed mercy for no one, to meet them was to die!!

   The bells! The bells! The bells!

   The bells they wore around their necks created a sound so frightening…

(Klunk,  Clank)

That many Onionites shriveled up and died where they stood.  

The “Moo-Mongers descended to the planet’s surface and quickly assumed battle formation.  

A phalanx a thousand cows wide by a thousand cows deep advanced. 

Slower Onionites were trampled beneath their great hooves. 

Onion blood filled the streets.

A few brave Onionites tried to resist but when they did the front row of cows would rear up on their hind legs.  Their bloated udders would spew a shower of milk, sour cream and cottage cheese.  Unfortunately Onionites are lactose intolerant and they quickly succumbed.

Some more athletic Onions tried squirting their bodily fluids into the eyes of the advancing mass of beef, but they had been prepared.  

They wore protective anti-onion juice contact lenses.     The Onionites soon realized they were defenseless!

Secret Service Onions gathered the Royal Family and hurried them back to the palace.  They would be safe there…for now! 

In a split second Spike sized up the situation…  “Holy shit, we’ve got to get out of here!”

Now young Onionite children love to play with marbles and Spike had brought a million marbles with him to pass out to the kids before he left.  

Thinking quickly now Spike released the marbles just as the herd bore down on him. 

Many cows fell creating a pile-up.  Spike had just enough time to escape. 

“ON-T, where are you,” screamed Spike.  The sounds of the bells drowned him out.

Then he saw her, lying in the gutter at the side of the road.     

She’d been hit! 

“God, no,” cried  Spike!! 

She’d been hit in the face!!! 

“You Bastards!!!” he shouted! 

She’d been hit in the face!

“By a cowpie.”

Spike cleared the pie from ON-T’s mouth and nostrils.  She had a pulse but it was faint.  Spike picked up ON-T and ran as fast as his legs would carry him for the safety of the palace.

We’ll never know for sure if it was the great rush of adrenaline or the smell of the cowpie that helped Spike save ON-T that day…

…But does it really matter!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

At the palace Spike gave ON-T a sponge bath much to here delight. Then they joined the Royal Family in the Throne Room.

“What’re we gonna do” wailed the King.  He was really pissed off.  Nearly as pissed off as he’d been at their old court jester “Mac-Namara,” a couple of New Years ago.

“Get me the Duke of Vidalia,” screamed the king. 

A page ran into the room. 

“Your Highness, the Duke seems to be…..missing!”

The onslaught continued for weeks. 

Many Onionites perished.

Finally Spike said, “Look dudes I really need to get going, the guys are expecting me.  Look…I’ve got an idea!” 

“I’ll need a few things,” said Spike. “Let’s check the basement!”

(10 minutes later)

“OK, that should do it,” said Spike.

“Look, cows are basically dumb, right? Vicious and bloodthirsty, but dumb nonetheless.” 

“Do you really think it’ll work, Spike?” asked Queen Maureen. 

“Sure, mama! It’s worked before!” 

They were all in awe of Spike’s command of the situation.

DARKNESS DESCENDED!

It was a moonless night.  Perfect for Spike’s plan. 

The palace gates quietly opened.  Spike wheeled out his creation! 

He had found everything he needed in the palace basement. 

An old doll carriage, a roll of tin foil, some welding wire, 8000 2x4’s, a meat cleaver, several Playboy magazines, 20 million tomatoes, and a cassette player.

“What do you call it?” asked the King.

“I call it,”

“THE TROJAN COW!”

   …said Spike as he climbed inside.

   “Can I send some of the lads with ye Spike,” asked the King.

   “Nah, thanks dude, it’s fully automated.  Just push me down the hill!

The Moo-Mongers had set up camp in the valley.  The only light came from their fires.  

The great emperor bull was in his tent planning battle strategy when a captain entered.

“Sir, there’s something out here you should see.”

The great leader of the Moo-Monger tribe was an enormous beast with big pointy horns!  His eyes were blood-red, steam poured from his nostrils, a viscous black drool hung from the sides of his mouth.  Around his neck hung a massive golden cowbell.

“What have you brought me out to see” 

Lord Emperor,…..Look….! 

The emperor bull however did have one weakness….……. He loved getting presents!

Oh Yeah! Friggin’ cool man!  Yeah!  Hey Earl, Maurice, check this out!

“Obviously a tribute to your greatness,”  said Maurice.      “Bring it into camp, hurry,” said the Emperor.

Spike looked up from Miss April.  “I told you they were dumb.”

Quiet descended on the camp.  Fires were doused.  Spike had installed a neon sign atop the Trojan Cow’s head.

It flashed:

“Got Milk” and “Use Trojan Condoms”

Spike shut it off now…….  There was only darkness….. 

Time to “Rock and Roll”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now you may be asking yourself, “Why would there be a cassette player in the palace basement?  In a place where music doesn’t exist?”

Well they may not have had music, but there was  nothing an Onionite enjoyed more than relaxing to a good audiobook on cassette.   Spike had picked out a tape he felt was appropriate.

“Time Life Books”

-Presents-

“Sounds of the Slaughterhouse.”

The terrified screams of 50 million cows echoed across the solar system.  Now the Trojan Cow slowly reared up on its hind legs revealing a gigantic udder which was getting bigger by the second.  Soon it was the size of a hot air balloon!

It had 97 nipples the size of fire hydrants.

Now you understand what the tomatoes were for…

                                     …barbeque sauce!!!

       “Fire”

    All cattle are barbeque sauce intolerant.   Spike knew this.  The Moo-Monger Army, the ones who        hadn’t died of fright, drowned in a flood of hickory flavored goodness!

Spike climbed out of the trapdoor and stood atop the Trojan Cow, surveying the carnage.

“Stupid cows,” he shouted.

Suddenly a great roar came from behind… 

Spike turned in time to see the emperor bull launch himself at the Trojan Cow, fire springing from his nostrils! 

Spike’s reaction was instantaneous…Spike implemented a Greg Louganis triple somersault from the pike position landing on the bull’s back.

Now was the moment of truth…After a quick tuck and roll Spike went for the “Elton John” double reach-around from the squat position.  A high difficulty maneuver sure to score big points!

His execution was flawless…

Spike grabbed hold of the bull’s tail, swinging around and underneath from behind, at the same time drawing the cleaver from his belt.

Now swinging his weapon he separated the emperor bull’s genitalia from his body! 

Spike was bathed in a combination of blood, urine and fecal matter as the bull’s bowels unleashed. 

The leader of the great Moo-Monger Army uttered a guttural scream.  Then crashed to the ground… dead!  Spike walked around to the head of the beast.   Reaching down he cut the bell from its great neck. 

The sun was rising now on the eastern horizon as Spike climbed back atop the Trojan Cow. 

The great ball of fire formed the backdrop as Spike raised the golden cowbell high above his head and began to play…

(Klunk, Clank)

“OOOPH  YAAAAAT!!!”

The King and Queen sat in the throne room listening to their new radio.  Spike’s Trojan Cow also acted as a high frequency receiver picking up signals from throughout the universe.

The sounds of “Fintan Stanley” drifted from the speaker.  Spike had brought music to Uranus.  “Say Mo,” said the King “wasn’t the Duke in charge of programming Spike’s onboard computer?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” the Queen yawned…..

ON-T stared into the night sky…Good luck fella…. I’ll never forget you...

CHAPTER 5

“Origins”

 Home