Chapter 2
CHAPTER 2
“"What’s that on Uranus”
(Excerpt from “Larry King Live” July, 2002
Larry: “So Spike I think the question on everyone’s mind tonight is, why do you hate onions?”
Spike: “Larry, unfortunately this is a great misconception. I don’t hate onions at all, in fact I love onions and have great respect for them. Let me ask you this Larry, would you eat your parents?”
-1918-
OCTOBER
(Clipping from the “Boston Herald”)
“RED SOX WIN WORLD SERIES”
Angus Finkter was a Scottish sheepherder. He lived with his wife Alice and 400 sheep on a thousand acres of rugged highland.
The nearest neighbor was 20 miles away, but they enjoyed the peace and quiet. A thick fog rolled in and cast an eerie glow out on the moor this night.
3 a.m.
Angus awoke with a start. Someone was knocking on the door….
-1995-
Judas stood before the firing squad a cigarette dangled from his lips. The disciples leveled their AK47s, waiting for the command to fire. “This is what you get for ratting out the Messiah, you turd.” “Fire!”
Judas was cut in half. His intestines spilled to the ground.
Timmy and Jimmy never got tired of playing with their “GI Jesus Last Supper Action Play Set.” That and their favorite playstation game “Grand Theft Chariot, Jerusalem City.”
They were twins, and very close. The master had e-mailed today. The moment they existed for was at hand. He had taught them about the prophecy, and the part they must play. They recited it now….
Now Uranus will give birth
the fourth will travel to the earth
twin ushers guide him to our shore
then the three will wait no more
and so the group becomes complete
but certain things they will not eat
mankind will soon forget all others
and Rock and Roll with the Kleptone Brothers!
“Hey, Timmy, what’s that on Uranus?” said Jimmy. “Your anus,” said Timmy
“Hey, Jimmy, what’s that on Uranus?” said Timmy. “Your anus,” said Jimmy. They laughed.
It was an inside joke they shared. “Let’s ask Dad to call for pizza” said Timmy.
Jimmy flicked the intercom on the wall of the room they had never been outside of.
“Dad! Can we get a pizza?” “Sure boys,” the voice replied. Angus Finkter IV reached for the phone.
-BACK TO 1918-
Angus slowly opened the door, hinges creaking. “Who’s there?” he asked. There was no one.
“Is that you Willy, I’ll kick you in the nuts you little scamp.” Willy McPudd was the village idiot. He would often travel many miles to antagonize Angus.
Tonight it wasn’t Willy. Then Angus heard a sound. Looking down he saw something wrapped in a blanket. It was moving! He cautiously pulled the blanket aside. Two tiny faces peered up at him. “Alice come quick, someone’s left a pair of babies on the doorstep.” He carried the bundle inside and laid it on the bed. “Look how cute they are,” said Alice as she unwrapped the blanket.
Her screams echoed through the night, before she passed out. “What is it.” cried Angus looking at the twin boys. “Oh no! No…No…… They’re attached….at the arse!!!!!”
-BACK TO 1995-
The president awoke to the sound of the hotline buzzing.
“Yes, Monica, what is it?”
“Mr. President, we’re picking up a transmission.”
“For my Saab? Great that tranny’s been slipping for a while!”
“No, Mr. President, the transmission appears to be coming from Uranus.”
“There’s a transmission coming from my anus?”
“No sir, the planet Uranus.”
“There’s a planet called “your anus?”
“Go back to bed, Bill!”
-INTERLUDE #1-
Hello, my name is Jeff.
I am your narrator, so listen carefully. As you may have figured out in 1947 Drs. Rossi and Harris were hired at great expense by the Creator, an ancient being whose sole purpose was to fulfill an ancient prophecy. The prophecy alluded to the creation of the world’s greatest superband, “The Kleptones.” A band who in the new millennium would assist in the destruction of the “Evil Empire.” But first they would have to be brought together. Only once their powers were combined would the “nation” be victorious.
In three isolated top secret locations scattered across the globe, Nick, Pablo and Cartman gestated in tanks of purified liquid Kleptonium.
The process would take 25 years. The fourth would take much longer. They were being educated subliminally, taught all they would need to know while floating in utero.
Nick was learning how to play lead guitar from the great masters. Clapton, Page, Santana and Bonney contributed to the lesson.
Pablo absorbed the abilities of Mingus, Entwhistle, Squire and Wilcox, master of the “Bive tring bass.” That’s right the “Bucking bive tring bass.”
Cartman was trained by the backbeat of Krupa, Rich, Moon and Hagenburg, “The Wipeout Queen.”
Meanwhile, lovely Rita had finally agreed to go out with Henry. They soon married knowing they already had 3 children on the way. Life was good. Henry quit gambling and invested the money the man had paid him. He used the profits to establish “Henry’s House”, a shelter for homeless people and animals.
Ed meanwhile drifted into a delusion filled state of psychotic rage and paranoia. Now a heavy drug abuser he rode “the horse” to San Francisco joining a hippie commune. Envy tore at his soul…..
COMING SOON
“ I, Antoine”