CChapter 8

“Origin Of Cartman”

-Part 1-

Ed’s Gift

Early 1960’s...

…He could feel his mind slipping away… He was still angry about “the Frequency.”

13 years had passed since that day in Antoine’s office.

Ed’s weed addiction had begun within the last couple of months.  He was grateful for that…

The call had come last week.

“Ed!”, Antoine here! “Time to go back to work! Cartman’s almost ready.  He’s your baby you know.  Later!”

Ed was in no condition to work, but his dedication to the process had never wavered.

It wasn’t Cartman’s fault after all.  Ed was determined to complete his part of the job…

“London, England”

Close now… Close…

The final moments of Cartman’s creation were at hand.

Ed sat at the control panel staring into the tank knowing that this was the most critical part of the delivery.  It was when Cartman’s brain would be fine-tuned, influences that would last a lifetime. 

…Less than a minute to go now…  The tank’s digital display clicked off the final seconds…59…58…57…56…

Ed fired up a bone…

…49…48…47…46…

The fluid drained from Cartman’s tank.

…43…42…41…40

Oxygen intakes were activated filling the chamber

…39…38…37…36

At the control panel…

…Ed had fallen asleep.

The refer still cooking slipped from his fingers.  It rolled off of the table and was sucked into a vent…

…34…33…32…

Cartman’s tank began to fill with smoke.

…30…29…28…

…and then for the first time… Cartman opened his eyes… and smiles!!...

Alarms began to blare waking Ed from his nap.

…22…21…20

“Warning!! Warning!!Warning!!”

“Herbal overload!! Herbal overload!!”

…18…17…16…

The smoke was so thick now that Cartman was lost from view.

…14…13…12…

“No!!” screamed Ed! “No!!No!!

…8…7…6

Ed knew he was hallucinating now.

…through the smoke…

was Cartman…giving Ed the “thumbs up??

…4…3…2…1…

and then

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 “No! My  God, nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”

_____________________________________________________________________

Part 2

“Underground Music”

“Ahole Alley”

…”Where the phuck am I?”?

Cartman glanced about.  He appeared to be in a container of some kind…but…”How did I get here?” he wondered.

Just then a sack of garbage hit him in the head.

“Hey!!What the phuck!!?”

“Hello!? Is someone in there??” said a voice.

Cartman crawled out of the dumpster Ed had tossed him in.

“Sorry didn’t see you in there.”
The voice belonged to a young boy.  He appeared to be about 14 or 15.

“What the phuck is this place?” asked Cartman surveying his surroundings.

“This is Ahole Alley,” said the boy offering his hand.  “Name’s Potter…”

“Hairy Potter”

“Good to meet ya Hairy,” said Cartman, shaking hands. “I’m Cartman.”

“Wow, Cartman”, said Hairy.  “That’s one bitchin’ head of hair you’ve got there.”

“Thanks”, said Cartman.  “It’s my best thing.”  “You’ve got a pretty impressive coiffure yourself there Hairy.”

An immediate friendship was formed!!

“You live here?” asked Cartman.

“Sort of”, said Hairy.  “I go to school here.  This is “Logwart’s Academy” “I really hate it.”

“What do you study?” asked Cartman.

“Music”, said Hairy.  “This is a music school.”

“And you hate it!?!?” said Cartman. “Music is the coolest phucking thing in the world man.  I play drums myself.”

“Really?” said Hairy.

“Bet your ass!” said Cartman

“It’s not that I hate music itself”, said Hairy.  “I’m just not good at playing anything… and then there’s this Battle of the Bands coming up and if I can’t put something together, I’ll get an “F”.”

“What I really want is to be a wizard.” said Hairy.

“Being a wizard would phucking rule!” said Cartman.

“Hey, I’ve got an idea….

…But first, got any weed?”

“No one at school smokes dope”, said Hairy.

“What?!?...what kind of a phucking music school is this!?” queried Cartman.

“Phuck!!!”…

“Hey, that guy in the next dumpster might have some,” said Hairy.

“Hey, Wesley!!!”

Hairy, Cartman and Wesley polished off a bomber before heading inside.

Turned out Wesley’s dad was a musician, too.  “My girl and I are thinking of getting married”, said Wesley.  “Would you guys be ushers? Please!!!” begged Wesley.  “I can hook you up with some “Hooter’s Chicks my girl’s got for bridesmaids. Please!!!”

“Sure…why not.” said Cartman. “Sounds like fun.”

As Hairy and Cartman headed for the school entrance Cartman asked….”You don’t think he’ll really get married.  Do you Hairy?”

Hairy introduced Cartman as a cousin visiting from the states.

No one suspected a thing…

Hairy explained that the school was divided into four separate “houses.”

“Huff n Puff House”
“Rippafart House”

“Slipperin House”

and

“Sniffingcrotch House”

“Which house do you belong to Hairy?” asked Cartman.

“Sniffincrotch,” said Hairy.

“Phucking “A”, said Cartman.

“The other houses have already put bands together,” said Hairy. “Follow me…”

Each house had its own soundproof studio.  Hairy and Cartman crawled through the ventilation duct work to have a listen…

“This is Huff N’ Puff House,” whispered Hairy.  “Mick and Keith have put a band together,…call themselves the RollingStones.”

“Jesus!” said Cartman. “They look like phucking cadavers!”

“Keith smokes like 5 packs a day,” said Hairy.

The Stones kicked into “Get Off Of My Cloud.”

“Should be get off of my phucking stage.” said Cartman, “These guys phucking blow!”

“What else we go…?”

“This is Rippafart House, the Davies Brothers started a group, call themselves “The Kinks.”

“What kind of phucking name is that?” wondered Cartman.

Before The Kinks could get through their first song, Ray and Dave Davies got into fistfight.

Cartman couldn’t stop laughing…

“Shhhh,” whispered Hairy.  “They’ll hear you.”  “Look at these mother phuckers,” said Cartman.

“No competition here Hairy.  What else we got?”

Hairy and Cartman crawled over to Slipperin’ House.

“What we got here?” asked Cartman.

“These are The Beatles,” said Hairy.

“The Beetles????” countered Cartman.

“Not Beetles, Beatles.” recountered Hairy.

“Sound like ‘The Beatless’,” said Cartman.

“Who’s the phucking  Drummer?”

“Name’s Pete Best,” said Hairy. “There’s a rumor going around they’re looking to replace him.”

“So Cartman, you said you had a plan?”

Back in Hairy’s room at Sniffingcrotch House, Cartman laid out his plan……

(Next Day)

“OK Hairy, Wesley’s in, he’s working on something special for the show.  Now we have to make sure we go on last!”

“Why?” asked Hairy.

“Becauuuuuse! You go on first and people forget you by the time it’s over.”

“How’s your wizard skills?”

“What wizard skills???? I said I wanted to be a wizard, I didn’t say I was a wizard.”  said Hairy.

“Look kid you’ve gotta start somewhere, and you’ve got a week to practice, right!”

“I still don’t get it,” said Hairy. “What am I going to play?”

“Nothing,” said Cartman.

“Nothing???”

“Nope, you’re the conductor, sort of… you won’t really be conducting, it’ll just look like you are.  I called a few friends of mine to help us out.  These phuckers really know hot to put on a show.”

“On lead ukulele, Tiny Tim.”

“On keyboards, Barry White.”

“On bass, Flea.”

“Not “The Flea”?” said Hairy.

“The one and only.” said Cartman.

“Now listen Hairy, it’s important not to call me by my real name o.k.? Phucking paparazzi, you know?  So I’ll be using one of my aliases.”

“So what should I call you?” asked Hairy.

“You can call me…..

“Bulge Brownstar!!”

….”Wow….!!!”  said Hairy.

insert poster

PART 3

“It’s Showtime”

Hairy paces the dressing room floor.

“Relax Hairy, you’ll be great.  I promise.” said Cartman.

“Hey Tiny, what’re you using for an amp these days?” questioned Flea.

“I got this new Marshall TripleStack,” respondede Tiny.  “Kicks phucking ass too.  Wait’ll you hear it. What’re you playing, Flea?”

“Check this out,” said Flea, “Phucking five string bass.”

“Basses don’t have five strings you phucking midget,” mocked Barry White!

“Phuck you fat boy, I know Larry Wilcox!!”

“No!!”  They all gasped.

“Yup, we’re the only two who play one!” beamed Flea proudly.

A stagehand poked  his head into the room.  “5 minutes guys.”

……Meanwhile……

Wesley disguised as an usher passed out complimentary Kool Aid.

“Get your free Kool-Aid, compliments of Bulge Brownstar,” hawked Wesley.  The packed house drank eagerly.

“How’s my hair?” asked Cartman.

“You look like a barber’s nightmare.” said Tiny.

The curtain rises revealing a darkened stage.  Fog slowly fills the hall, it has a sweet aroma, the Kool-Aid is kicking in now…..

“Hairy’s band is awesome,” drooled Ringo, The Beatles new drummer.

“They haven’t started  yet,” said George.

“Oh yeah, ha ha ha ha ha ! Heh heh!

Hairy raised his wand….

    and a one, and a two…

Tiny leapt from the top of his Marshall Triple Stack windmilling an augmented “B” Flat 7^th chord.  The explosion of sound resembled a jet engine in a Port-A-John.

Flea laid down a pulsating rhythm on his 5 string bass.  While Barry jackhammered the ivories and Cartman pounded the shit out of his drumkit.

                     The crowd sat stunned…

                                                         …and stoned…

The song they played was co-written by Tiny, Flea and Barry in the dressing room.

“Love Those Funky Tulips White Boy.” The greatest rock anthem of all time would ride atop the Billboard Charts for years to come.

The crowed now slowly began to rise to their feet, clapping, stomping their feet and screaming,

“Hairy Brownstar”

“Hairy Brownstar”

“Hairy Brownstar”

Cartman gave Hairy a nod…

..now was the moment of truth!

…Hairy raised  his wand…

“Drummus Levioso”.

Cartman and  drumkit slowly rose into the air….

“Holy shit it’s working,” thought Hairy.

Higher and higher went Cartman until finally he stopped 50 feet above the awestruck crowd launching into a drum solo worthy of the “Great Hagenburg.”

Faster and faster he played until only  a blur of movement could be seen.

…This was moment of truth 2…

“Drummus Vanishoso”

There was a brilliant flash of light and then…

…Cartman was gone.

-Epilogue-

Needless to say Hairy got an “A” on the project.

When questioned as to where Bulge had gone Hairy could only response, “He uh, he had to go back to the states.” “Yeah he went back to the states…”

Hairy truthfully had no idea where Cartman had gone.

News of the concert spread quickly.  Hogwart’s wizarding school offered Hairy a scholarship so he quit Logwart’s Music School and transferred, becoming a great wizard and having many adventures of his own.

The Stones, Kinks and Beatles all had the same thing on their mind…Where can we get more Kool-Aid?

So you see ladies and gentlemen it was indeed Cartman who was directly responsible for the “British Invasion.”

They didn’t come here to play music.  They came looking for more Kool-Aid.

……Hey!.....

Where the phuck am I???.....

 Home