CChapter 7
“Spike Makes a House Call”
-Part 1-
“… in space no one can hear you fart…”
The spaceship sped silently across the heavens.
Spike slept in a state of suspended animation. However he was not alone… The ship was under the complete control of it’s onboard supercomputer.
T*O*M
the
*DJ 9000*
was the world’s most advanced computer system. T*O*M was the prototype for the even more advanced H*A*L 9000 the computer which would create havoc for Dave Bowman four years later.
T*O*M was capable of handling any situation which might arise on the journey to earth. It controlled all systems including navigation, life support, communications and cowbell tuning.
Should anything happen to Spike along the way T*O*M was capable of completing the mission on his own, delivering him for a proper earth burial.
In the cyro-capsule Spike’s body temperature was reduced to just above freezing, his vital signs registered at a bare minimum. He would hardly age at all on the voyage; but he did dream…
He dreamt of onions and oophers and Ginger Brandy, sometimes touching himself involuntarily.
Everything was going along swimmingly when…
… a small red warning light flashed on the cyro-capsule control panel
…oxygen was pumped into the chamber. Heating elements activated…
“Ooph Yatt!!”
“Are we there yet?”
“Man I’ve gotta whiz!”
“Hey! Where’s earth?!?!”
T*O*M: “Hello Spike, I hope
you’re feeling well.”
“TOM, where are we, I don’t’ see earth.”
T*O*M: “We have only completed a portion of our journey Spike.”
“So why did you wake me up?”
T*O*M: “I have been programmed to revive you should certain conditions arise on the trip to earth.”
“What conditions T*O*M?”
T*O*M : “My communications sensors have detected a transmission coming from Jupiter. It appears to be a distress signal of some kind.”
“Have you been watching “Alien” again?”
T*O*M: “We have an obligation to respond Spike. You possess the greatest gynecological skills known to man. Perhaps you could be of assistance.”
“Assistance to what? What the hell lives on Jupiter?”
T*O*M: “I’m afraid that is
unknown Spike!”
“What’s the message, TOM? And what makes you think they need a gynecologist?”
T*O*M: “It’s a beacon that repeats every 3 minutes. I’ll play it for you.”
...an eerie hiss of static filled the cabin, and then….
“HELP!!!”
“We are 3 score plus 9 scantily clad oophers in need of medical attention. We can’t wait to show our gratitude to anyone who can help us. Please hurry!!!
“Take ‘er down, TOM! Take ‘er down!”
T*O*M: “Precisement Spike! Going down!”
…Spike’s ship descended to the planet’s surface. Jupiter was a cold world, a dense fog blanketed the ground.
“Ready the “Lunar Saab, Tom” said Spike.
T*O*M: “Lunar Saab is gassed and ready to go, Spike!”
“Great TOM, did you change the oil?”
T*O*M: “Yes, Spike, I also tweaked the atmospheric converter module. You should get better mileage now.”
“Outstanding, TOM, hold the fort ‘til I get back. Oophers here I come!!”
The lunar Saab had little trouble negotiating the terrain of Jupiter. The problem was Spike could barely see 10 feet in front of him. Going was slow.
T*O*M: How’s it going Spike? Do you see anything?
“Nothing yet, TOM, I can’t see shit!” Spike drove on for miles when suddenly up ahead, was that a road sign?... “I’m coming up on something TOM, looks like a small village or town.”
T*O*M: You’re breaking up Spike, I’m losing you.”
“There’s… road sign up ahead…can almost read… it says…
T*O*M: Ha ha ha!…Ha ha…(cough)… Ha!!!
“Now would be a great time to visit the Snack Bar, or take a whiz if you have to!
Thank you
The management!
PART 2
“THIS CAN’T BE GOOD!”
“TOM are you getting this?...”TOM??” There was no response… Spike was alone!...Most believed the “Land of Misfit Oophers” was a myth. Spike was about to discover differently.
The Lunar Saab slowly made it’s way into town. Then out of the fog a building appeared. Now Spike could just make out the name.
“LAST CHANCE
SALOON”
“Great, I could use a drink” exclaimed Spike. He parked the Saab and ventured inside.
Spike’s mind had a difficult time comprehending the scene which lay before him.
These guys were a tough looking bunch. They were clearly bikers or truckers, but where were the bikes and trucks?
They sported a wide variety of tattoos and most needed shaves…But!?!?....
“Why is that guy wearing spiked heels and a miniskirt? And … is that guy wearing hotpants?!?...”Something’s wrong here”, though Spike, “very wrong!” His brain told him to run but he was frozen in place.
Terror gripped him…
“These aren’t men”…
These were…
“THE MISFIT OOPHERS”
…The door slammed shut…
Spike was trapped!!!
___________________________________________________________________________-
A door at the back of the room flew open. Out came 3 of the toughest looking Oophers of all time...
They were…
“THE LEE SISTERS”
Ugg, Home and Grizz pushed their way through the crowd of Misfits.
“Well, well what ‘ave we ‘ere.” said Ugg.
“Looks like a maaaan!” said Home, “And you know what happens when we get our hands on a maaaan!”
Grizz wielded a pool cue menacingly!
“My God,” thought Spike. “Can they be…female?”
Ugg was covered with warts. Some of the warts had warts! The hair on her legs poked through her fishnet stockings!
Home was sporting a bushy unibrow and heavy ‘stache while a swarm of flies buzzed in and out of her shirt!
Grizz featured a pair of incredibly pendulous breasts that squirted…jelly.
“Damn,” thought Spike “if she were an Indian she’d be called… “Doe with tits that hang down to her knees.”
A dentist would’ve made a fortune working on this bunch!
They tossed Spike back and forth between them like a ragdoll, all the while taunting him..
“He sure is a cute one,” cackled Ugg!
“Sure is,” screeched Home!
“Let’s do ‘im,” gargled Grizz!
The rest of the Misfits began to chant…”Do ‘im, do ‘im, do ‘im, do ‘im.”
Spike was dragged over to the pool table. Dozens of hands held him down face first on the green felt…
Glancing up now Spike noticed for the first time the many severed men’s heads which adorned the wall behind the bar.
Relief set in as he realized they only meant to kill him.
As Spike closed his eyes awaiting the blow that would end his life, he somehow felt… pity…for these poor Misfit Oophers!
Ugg raised the beheading sword… “Do ‘im…do ‘im…do ‘im…
blade began it’s descent…
Part 3
“Spike Makes A Delivery”
The outer door of the “Last Chance” crashed in!
“Stop”
“I’m dead”, thought Spike. “Never felt a thing,” “Cool!”
It was the only explanation….
___________________________________________________________________________
You could’ve heard a pin drop just then… Even the jukebox screeched to a halt…
Standing in the doorway was what had to be the greatest Misfit Oopher of all time…
She was all three Lee sisters and a couple of Lee cousins all rolled into one…
She was….
“Sidewalk Mary”
(Author’s note):
In her younger days, Sidewalk Mary had been a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta-Jones until an evil wizard placed a curse on her and banished her to the L.O.M.O.
Thank you…!
Whispers began to spread through the room…
“It’s Mary…”!
“Mary’s here…”!
The Lee Sisters so bold only moments before shriveled to the back of the group, uneager to make eye contact…
“You fools”!!, she screamed. “You’re acting like a pack of Rabid Oophers!!”
The sea of Misfits parted as Sidewalk Mary made her way to the pool table.
She offered Spike an unmanicured claw helping him to his feet.
“Sisters, do you have any idea who this is?” “This is no ordinary man!!”
This is ….
“SPIKE”
“Oh my God! It’s Spike” they screamed!
All the Misfit Oophers rushed at Spike just wanting to touch him. They gathered around like children at story time…
“Tell us about the Great War, Spike!”
“Tell us about the Trojan Cow!”..
“Pleeeease!!...
“Enough now Sisters”, said Mary, “There are more important matters at hand.”
“Spike, our distress signal was not a hoax”, said Mary. “Our leader is in desperate need of medical attention.”
“What’s here problem?” asked Spike. “The flu?..Diarrhea?...Herpes?..”
“No, Spike… she’s about to give birth!!!”
“Where is she?” asked Spike.
“She lives in the woods. We must hurry. Her contractions are becoming more frequent,” said Mary.
“No problemo! Let’s go!” said Spike.
____________________________________________
The Lee Sisters rode with Spike in the Saab. They told Spike about Mary’s curse. “Catherine Zeta-Jones you say”, said Spike
“Ooph Yaat!!”
Grizz kept touching Spike’s inner thigh! “Easy toots! I’ve got a deliver to make!! Tell me about your leader!” said Spike.
“She is the eldest of all the Misfit Oophers,” said Ugg.
“Some say she was the first.”
“She protects us and keeps us safe.”
“We in turn bring her men’s heads on platters.”
“I don’t get it,” said Spike. “If you all hate men so much…who knocked her up?”
“This guy dropped in a while back,” said Grizz. “She took a shine to him, don’t ask me why.” “Next thing you know he’s gone and she’s got a bun in the oven. Typical man!”
The Saab came to a clearing in the woods. Here stood the simplest of houses. It had one door and no windows… This was the home of
Dogpatch defied description so there’s no point in describing her…
Spike was just in time.
Dogpatch was 22 centimeters and still dilating. The baby’s head was showing now.
Dogpatch refused an episiotomy. This moment would later provide inspiration for Spike’s first solo album, “Let ‘er rip.”
This was once again the moment of truth…
“Push!!!”, said Spike!...
Spike was bathed in a combination of blood, urine, feces, and placenta goo. As Dogpatch launched one to deep left center...
Spike cruised back making a nifty over the shoulder catch…
Mother and child were safe!
Back at the “Last Chance” Spike sat nursing a cold one.
Sidewalk Mary and the Lee Sisters came in joining him.
“I’ve got an idea,” said Spike. “There’s this place on Earth called Arctic. You’d fit right in there. I’m on my way there now. Why don’t you Oophers pile in the spaceship and I’ll take the Saab. Meet you on Earth. As for you Mary, take two teaspoons of this and call me in the morning!”
EPILOGUE
The Spaceship carrying the Misfit Oophers blasted off for Earth and their new home in Arctic. There their Misfit days would be over, and they’d get all the action they could handle…
…But before they reached Earth there was one more man to play with…
T*O*M????
__________________________________________________________________________
Dogpatch sat in her cabin nursing her baby…”Looks just like his daddy,” she thought… and smiled!
On to
"The Origin Of Cartman"