Chapter 3
“I Antoine”
(Interlude II)
Hi! Jeff here again. The time has come for me to tell you the story of Antoine.
Young Antoine
Antoine was a master of time and space. He had spent his time traveling from galaxy to galaxy looking. Looking for what, you ask? He was looking for a world, one which possessed the two things which made him happy. Music and sports. Not as easy a task as you might imagine.
“Orion 7” had professional dungball, but no music. “Kryos Minor” on the outer rim had an abundance of hip-hop bands but no sports.
Then in a bar on “Vortex 12”, Antoine had overheard a conversation…..
This guy was saying that somewhere in the Milky Way galaxy was a place with both music and sports.
So, Antoine beamed over to our solar system. Visits to Pluto and Neptune proved fruitless. The next stop was Uranus. There Antoine met a race of highly advanced beings. They were peace-loving, their knowledge of medicine, science and agriculture extensive. They welcomed Antoine and showed him many things. He in turn educated them to the ins and outs of calibration. They apologized for having neither music or sports, but as Antoine prepared to leave, the king winked at him and said, “try Earth, laddy, and remember you are always welcome here.” “Oh, and Antoine, where’d you get that shirt?”
Antoine felt rejuvenated. Not only had he made friends with a great race of people, they had pointed him in the direction of that which he was seeking.
Antoine arrived on Earth in the early 1900’s and settled in Cranston. “This is the place”, he thought. “They have music and sports up the ass here.”
Baseball was the hot new sport sweeping the country and Antoine fell in love with it, and of course, the Boston Red Sox.
The Sox were a successful franchise in those early days, winning often. Antoine became a diehard Sox fan reveling in each victory.
“I will spend the rest of my days here on Earth a Red Sox Fan!” He exclaimed.
In October of 1918 the Red Sox wrapped up another World Series win.
Antoine had gone down to the local pub to gather around the radio, and listen to the final game.
He was in a fine mood buying round after round for his new Earth friends.
Antoine had the ability to morph into whatever species he joined.
The Penis People of Phallus 3 had been tricky, but he managed to pull it off!
That was when he noticed a stranger sitting alone in the corner, concealed in shadow.
Antoine moseyed over to the man’s table. “Can I buy you a drink, friend?” asked Antoine.
“How about I buy you one friend”, said the man. “Please join me.”
Now sitting across from him Antoine had a better look at the man’s face. He was pretty old. Had a kind, sort of sad look, like a lost puppy.
“I know you’re not from around here Antoine,” said the man.
Antoine was stunned. “How do you know that, and how do you know my name?”
“I know you are a time traveler, one who has knowledge and abilities far superior to the people of this planet.”
“Yeah, but I’m here for the music and sports.”
“As am I,” said the stranger.
“Great, maybe we can team up or something,” said Antoine.
“Exactly what I had in mind,” said the man…..
“You can’t be serious!” said Antoine.
“I’m afraid it’s true,” said the man.
“A human child born tomorrow may never experience the joy you feel tonight.”
“I need your help Antoine, here’s what you must do….
------------------------“THE TOMB OF ROOTIN TOOTIN”----------------------------
The mysterious stranger told Antoine. “Go to the tomb of Rootin Tootin. On the wall of this tomb, an inscription is carved. It tells of a great prophecy. It is your duty to see this prophecy fulfilled. I have arranged for a guide who will show you the way. When you have seen with your own eyes, you will believe. Go now! The “nation” depends on you”…
“EGYPT”
Antoine beamed over the Egypt in a flash. At the entrance of the great Pyramid stood a man tending two camels and a llama. He wore a patch over one eye and he wore a kilt. He also hadn’t bathed in a while.
“You must be Antoine,” he said. “ I am Odorous”.
“You can say that again,” said Antoine.
“No master”, “my name is Odorous, please follow me.”
Odorous led the way deep underground. Miles and miles they traveled, finally coming to what appeared to be a dead end.
“The hidden entrance to Rootin Tootin’s Tomb is here master,” said Odorous. “Few know of it, and fewer have seen it and lived to tell the tale.”
Odorous uttered a single word.
“NEPO”
The stone wall began to slowly rise revealing a hidden chamber.
“Behold the Tomb of Rootin Tootin.” said Odorous.
“My God”, thought Antoine. “Rootin Tootin had been known for his complex word puzzles and riddles. This was clearly another example.”
The walls of the chamber were lined with guitars.
On the floor, an array of electronic gadgets circled the room. Wah Wah’s, Fuzz Boxes and phasers all wired together.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Antoine.
“Remember master, we must touch nothing. The inscription is this way, come.”
Then Antoine saw it, carved into the north wall…..
“JOAN RIVERS IS TOTALLY HOT!”
“No master, not that inscription, this one over here…”
Antoine couldn’t believe what he was reading…
“The old man told the truth.”
“Get us out of here fast Odorous. There is much to do and no time to waste.”
As they were about to leave Antoine’s curiosity got the best of him. He reached out removing a Fender Strat from it’s stand…..
“No master,..NOooo”…screamed Odorous.
The stone door for the chamber began to descend. They would be trapped for eternity.
Without hesitation Odorous threw himself under the falling slab. He reached into his kilt, pulling out his staff, wedging it into the opening.
“Save yourself master, the Nation depends on you.”
Antoine slithered under the doorway just as Odorous’ staff gave out. Odorous was cut in two.
“You will not have died in vain my friend,” said Antoine. "Future generations will know the sacrifice of Odorous Finkter!”
INTERLUDE III
Jeff here:
So Antoine hurried back to Cranston where he had a small biogenetic lab in his basement. The first thing he had to do was create the twins. “No problem,” he thought. “I’ll just double everything.”
Earlier Antoine had created a mate for himself in his lab.
He called her “Rayn-E.” She was a good cook and assisted him in his research, but best of all, she was a Sox fan, too!”
Now she sat peering into the “Acme Ovarian Splitter” Antoine had built just that morning.
“How’s it looking?” asked Antoine.
“Everything’s going smoothly,” replied Rayn-E, they should be complete in about a week.
“Great,” said Antoine, “I always get nervous at times like this.”
“Relax,” said Rayn-E, “I’m going up to wash my hair.”
Antoine dropped into his favorite chair and lit a smoke. He closed his eyes, planning the work which lay ahead.
The sound of the shower running upstairs calmed his nerves. He started to drift off….
“I’m going up to wash my hair”….
“I’m going up to wash my hair”….
“I’m going up to………………….
Antoine snapped awake. The sound of running water had stopped.
No….no…..God NOooo…. Rayn-EEEE….Not the hair dryer…
Then the power went out.
Interlude IV
Yes friends, Rayn-E’s inopportune use of her hairdryer had tripped a breaker, killing power to the lab. The Acme Ovarian Splitter was unable to finish it’s job.
________________________________________________________________________
As Antoine now traveled through time and space with his precious bundle, he began to have doubts….
Arriving in Scotland, Antoine left the twins along with a note on Angus’ doorstep:
“Care for them as though they were your own. Many years will pass before their time to act arrives. Until then, they must be kept out of sight. Enclosed, find a check for one million American dollars. A check for this amount will arrive each year at this time. Provide them with all they desire. Godspeed Angus.
P.S. Your brother is dead, sorry.”
With each year that passed, Antoine became more convinced that the old man had been right.
(clipping from the Boston Herald Oct. 1946)
“CARDINALS TOP SOX FOR SERIES TITLE”
“Rayn-E, set up a meeting with Rossi and Harris, QUICK………..
“Spike And The Great War”
Author’s note:
Chapter 4 “Spike And The Great War” is not for the squeamish. It contains nightmarish imagery, extreme violence, bloodshed and gore, sexual tension and sound effects.